{"id":19208,"date":"2018-06-13T18:50:29","date_gmt":"2018-06-13T18:50:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/?p=19208"},"modified":"2018-06-13T18:50:29","modified_gmt":"2018-06-13T18:50:29","slug":"how-i-saved-my-marriage-with-these-words-to-my-wife-how-can-i-make-your-day-better-by-richard-paul-evans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/?p=19208","title":{"rendered":"HOW I SAVED MY MARRIAGE WITH THESE WORDS TO MY WIFE, &#8220;HOW CAN I MAKE YOUR DAY BETTER&#8221;  By Richard Paul Evans"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><code><script async src=\"\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js\"><\/script><br \/>\n<!-- www.newsroom247.com.ng --><br \/>\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\" style=\"display: block;\" data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-2163942495525027\" data-ad-slot=\"1411897411\" data-ad-format=\"auto\"><\/ins><br \/>\n<script>\n(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\n<\/script><\/code><\/p>\n<div dir=\"auto\">My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, \u201cMy greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was 12, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.\u201d Then she added with a smile. \u201cI\u2019m glad you guys figured things out.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">For years, my wife, Keri, and I struggled. Looking back, I\u2019m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn\u2019t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering \u201cfame and fortune\u201d didn\u2019t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.alternativeadvert.com\/show.php?z=30&amp;pl=16429&amp;ad_type=59&amp;rl=180\" width=\"300\" height=\"250\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<div dir=\"auto\">That\u2019s when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don\u2019t know if you could call it prayer\u2014maybe shouting at God isn\u2019t prayer, maybe it is\u2014but whatever I was engaged in I\u2019ll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta, Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn\u2019t do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn\u2019t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn\u2019t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn\u2019t she change?<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can\u2019t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can\u2019t change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, \u201cHow can I make your day better?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Keri looked at me angrily. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cHow can I make your day better?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cYou can\u2019t,\u201d she said. \u201cWhy are you asking that?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cBecause I mean it,\u201d I said. \u201cI just want to know what I can do to make your day better.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">She looked at me cynically.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cYou want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I got up and cleaned the kitchen.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">The next day I asked the same thing. \u201cWhat can I do to make your day better?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Her eyes narrowed. \u201cClean the garage.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Instead I said, \u201cOkay.\u201d I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn\u2019t sure what to think. The next morning came.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cWhat can I do to make your day better?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cNothing!\u201d she said. \u201cYou can\u2019t do anything. Please stop saying that.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I said. \u201cBut I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I made a commitment to myself. \u201cWhat can I do to make your day better?\u201d \u201cWhy are you doing this?\u201d \u201cBecause I care about you,\u201d I said.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">\u201cAnd our marriage.\u201d The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri\u2019s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, \u201cPlease stop asking me that. You\u2019re not the problem. I am. I\u2019m hard to live with. I don\u2019t know why you stay with me.\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. \u201cIt\u2019s because I love you,\u201d I said. \u201cWhat can I do to make your day better?\u201d \u201cI should be asking you that.\u201d \u201cYou should,\u201d I said. \u201cBut not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.\u201d She put her head against my chest. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2019ve been so mean.\u201d \u201cI love you,\u201d I said. \u201cI love you,\u201d she replied. \u201cWhat can I do to make your day better?\u201d She looked at me sweetly. \u201cCan we maybe just spend some time together?\u201d I smiled. \u201cI\u2019d like that.\u201d I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, \u201cWhat do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?\u201d<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn\u2019t solve all our problems. I can\u2019t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they\u2019d once had. We\u2019d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn\u2019t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Keri and I have now been married for more than 30 years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don\u2019t really matter. We\u2019ve learned how to take care of each other, and, more importantly, we\u2019ve gained the desire to do so. Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I\u2019ve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">Through time I\u2019ve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, \u201cWhat can I do to make your life better?\u201d That is love. Romance novels (and I\u2019ve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn\u2019t come from desire\u2014at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness\u2014sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one\u2019s self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another\u2019s well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\">I\u2019m not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I\u2019m not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. I\u2019m grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I\u2019m grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, \u201cWhat can I do to make your day better.\u201d Being on either side of that question is something every married person should have as a goal.<\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><a href=\"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-19048\" src=\"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"649\" height=\"185\" srcset=\"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff.jpg 1080w, http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff-300x86.jpg 300w, http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff-768x219.jpg 768w, http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/Sheriff-1024x292.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 649px) 100vw, 649px\" \/><\/a><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n<div dir=\"auto\"><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, \u201cMy greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was 12, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.\u201d Then she added with a smile. \u201cI\u2019m glad you guys figured things [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":19211,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"spay_email":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19208","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-entertainment"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/06\/women.jpg","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4oswh-4ZO","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19208","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=19208"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19208\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19212,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19208\/revisions\/19212"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/19211"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=19208"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=19208"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/newsroom247.com.ng\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=19208"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}